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Archive for March, 2018

For Better or for Worse


I am in a state of suspension, both physically and psychologically.
Two weeks ago the results of tests indicated that my testosterone level remains stubbornly high. This, given my cancer, is not good.For those of you who are not oncologists, a brief explanation.
Prostate cancer cells usually require testosterone to grow and flourish. Fortunately hormone therapy can stop the body from making testosterone. The effectiveness of the HT can be measured via the level of testosterone.So Dr. Wylie, he of The Christie,is concerned, has ordered more tests in three weeks. I am waiting, counting down the days, hoping for a better result.
At the moment, and it will be for only a short time,until my body learns to tolerate the HT, there are side effects.Before the course of HT commenced I was able to do 60-80 star jumps, press-ups, take stairs at a gallop and sprint along streets, after making sure I was not being observed,for the sheer delight of being able to do so. Things are now different.I am breathless on standing. I can walk, I can talk but not at the same time.I am slowly, reluctantly learning to acknowledge and accept my new physical limitations.
And I am tired, exhausted at breakfast time. I spend hours each day falling into a deep. dark, dreamless pit of unconsciousness. I am generating my own anesthetic.
I am desperately trying to maintain my composing. It’s what I do. It’s what I am but , at the moment, progress is minimal.I am finding it most difficult to maintain the necessary focus, intellectual activity for more than a very brief time.I have something to say and I cannot say it.
The next post will have good news. I promise.You deserve it after this protracted stream of miserable reports.

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